Proxy Parenting

Relieving you from the burdens of child rearing

Proxy: the agency, function, or power of a person authorized to act as the deputy or substitute for another.

Parenting: the rearing of children: The schedule allows her very little time for parenting.

Burned out on parenting?

Depressed at the thought of another day of taking care of your children?

Heard “I’m bored” one too many times by 9 am?

Your problems are OVER. We’re that big brother your family needs when you need a break from life. There’s no muss, no fuss, and your children will come home happy and content. Who are we? We’re from the government and we’re here to help.

You’re not a lazy parent. You’re overworked and just need a little break. We provide FREE schooling, FREE meals, FREE housing, FREE entertainment, and whatever else you want to vote yourself from the public treasury. Isn’t that wonderful? The awesome thing about living in our democracy is that it’s not socialism unless you vote to call it that! Majority RULES!

Are you one of the few people dealing with a guilty conscience over letting your friends and neighbors pay for your child’s FREE stuff? We offer FREE counseling to help you overcome these negative feelings. Just call your federal legislator and ask for the FREE book titled “The Congressional Re-election Guide.” In it, you’ll find many practical solutions that will help you overcome your concerns. Remember, George Bush said he had to destroy the capitalist system in order to save it. True, it’s a solution which has never worked before, but we have high hopes for its success in transitioning our society to full socialism where all your dreams can come true. State-solutions nearly always work.

Tough loving your children at times? We can help. At Proxy Parenting, we hire only the best and most loving adults who have experience working with children outside their own homes. Their mostly-single background is ideal for handling all types of stressful situations that come up because when they go home at night after giving your child a mild to strong sedative, they typically have no children at home to stress them out so they can properly unwind and be ready for another day of dealing with your children tomorrow.

Do you find it a challenge to provide nutritious meals in your child’s lunch box? No sweat. We offer FREE year round meals provided courtesy of your government. Our meals are FDA approved (of course) and come without any of the garbage your children typically buy from a vending machine. A well-fed child is one that will learn better, faster, and retain the knowledge longer, plus gain valuable critical thinking skills! No more do we need to watch children falling behind due to the malnutrition that uninformed parents typically inflict upon their children.

Are you a worry-wart over the quality and content of education your child is receiving? No need to worry any longer. With Race to the Top, and the Common Core standards, the federal government has essentially taken over the role and responsibility of ensuring that your children are well prepared for their future of living in America. Your child is sure to receive the very best in tolerance and diversity training, inserted into fact-free, fun and engaging activities in math classes around the country. The social justice curriculum is proven by government study after study to provide the right training for your child.

Have you been made hypersensitive to America’s debt problem? Without it, we couldn’t provide services to the poor and needy and middle and upper class. Do you feel bad that even people outside your neighborhood or state are shelling out for benefits your family is receiving? Try to keep in mind, everyone pays taxes (well, mostly), so everyone should benefit from the public treasury. Your fair share of taxes supports someone in Hawaii, so it’s only fair that their taxes support your benefits too. Besides, your neighbors are all getting FREE stuff and it’ll probably take until your grandchildren are older before they realize it was you that did this to them. It won’t matter. You’ll be dead or wish you were by then. If you’re still having problems sleeping while obtaining FREE stuff for your kids, contact the federal Department of Education to obtain a FREE sample pack of sedatives (you may need to tell them it’s for your children).

Remember just a few of the incredible FREE benefits you get with Proxy Parenting:

  • Proxy meal preparation (breakfast, lunch, and snacks… dinners coming soon)
  • Proxy homework help
  • Proxy entertainment
  • Proxy quality time
  • Proxy tucking them in at night (including up to 2 stories)
  • Proxy disciplining (don’t worry, it’s a whatever feels good to your child approach)
  • And most importantly, proxy love, because let’s face it, love is hard when you’re a working parent

When government paid services provide for your food, clothing, and housing needs, who needs a dad? When government provided public education encourages teachers to be nurturers, who needs a mom? All your needs are met through one proxy parent!

If you’re ready to embrace the power of Proxy Parenting, sign up today. It’s totally FREE! Join us on Facebook and subscribe to our blog so you can stay up to date on the best social programs the government is promoting, the worst efforts from people we call human even thought they’re trying to take away your FREE stuff, and get easy advocacy help with your legislators. We’ll post the bills we think need to be heard and you can simply forward them to your legislator as a helpful reminder that “hey, this is a great idea I hope you’ll support because you’ll be giving me FREE stuff.”

From now on when you see someone enjoying FREE stuff courtesy of the government, just refer them to for more FREE helpful tips and relevant information. They’ll really appreciate it!