Ask pRoxy

The Government Isn’t Doing Enough

Dear pRoxy,

I don’t think the government is doing enough to help. I have been up three nights in a row with a teething baby. It is not fair. I am sleep deprived, and I am surrounded by people who get plenty of sleep. Can’t the government help me? Why should I have to be so tired just because my baby is teething? Is there a nighttime nursery program of any kind to help me? As soon as single payer health care goes through I can check my baby into the hospital and let the nurses take care of her. But until then, that is not an affordable (meaning free) option. What should I do? I am SOOO TIRED!!

Sincerely, Michelle

Dear Michelle,

The government rarely does enough to help and it’s directly the fault of hate filled Glenn Beck following conservatives who just don’t understand the need for charity. I feel your pain. After experiencing several newborns in our home I was totally ready for someone else to step in and give us a break. I mean by having children, you are benefiting society and so it’s only right society helps you raise your child. It takes a village.

Sleep deprivation is a serious issue. When you’re tired, you can’t entertain either your kids, or your friends after the kids are put to bed at an early hour. That’s where proxy parenting really shines. The government has a few programs ready to help you like SIDS (Strategic Infant Disruption Support) and the popular TEMP (Tired Empathy for Mothering Persons), but we’re working closely with the HHS, NEA, and BAD, to develop some new programs, such as having the government pay for add-ons to your home to provide night proxy’s a place to be out of the way while they sit up and deal with your fussy children. Of course, as you point out, once Obamacare goes through, you’ll be able to check your baby into the hospital, but rather than have to make that trip, let an in-house proxy take care of the child and save you the hassle.



I really need help

Dear pRoxy,

I really need help! My kid is hooked on drugs and now has no job and can’t drive because he lost his drivers license. I’ve been letting him live on my couch and giving him money to buy food and stuff but he doesn’t have enough to give his baby’s mama so she will let him see his child.

I need someone to give him a nicer place to live and transportation and more money so he can have a better life and start to feel good about himself so he’ll get off drugs. How can I get him Gov’t help asap?


Dear Jay,

First things first, you’ve got to congratulate yourself on the way you’re taking care of your child. He must certainly be going through a lot of stress and anxiety and the way you’ve helped facilitate his habits without causing him an extra burden is just remarkable. Now I’m assuming he’s over 16 since you mention he lost his driver’s license and he’s living at home so he’s probably under 30. I know there are several programs if you call HHS that can get him into a modest starter home in the $200-300,000 range thanks to new programs courtesy of President Obama where the mortgage will be paid for him. Some may even be former drug runner homes where the poor folks got scared and left town before they got on one of several government programs that would have made the home a shelter, so he might pick up a meth lab or other paraphernalia in the basement that will no doubt give him great comfort.

It’s probably important for both of you that you son get out of the house and into a place of his own. I’m sure the government can arrange for, what’s that term…conjugal visits? Depending on the state you’re located in, it might be possible that the state will provide supplementary benefits as well. With just a couple of phone calls (and probably more than a few phone transfers), your son will have housing, food stamps, free city transportation, and regular visits from government officials helping him overcome his drug habit. If you experience any problem getting this taken care of after making the calls, write or call your congressman and enlist their help. I’m sure everything will turn out fine.



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